My thoughts on Man of Steel

There are spoilers, obviously.  So if you want to see the movie, but hate spoilers, do not read on.  Keep on scrolling.  I won’t be upset, I promise.

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Man of Steel.  This film was directed by Zack Snyder, who was behind 300, Legend of the Guardians:  The Owls of Ga’Hoole, Sucker Punch and Watchman, to name a few.  It starred Henry Cavill as Superman, Amy Adams as Lois Lane, Michael Shannon as General Zod, Russell Crowe as Jor-El, along with Diane Lane, Kevin Costner, Christopher Meloni, Laurence Fishburne, and Ayelet Zurer.  That’s a pretty promising cast, and I think for a while now, everybody has been waiting for a GOOD Superman movie.  Did we get it…?

Well, I’ll get my complaints out of the way first.  Some of these are nitpicks, I will admit, others I feel are legitimate complaints.  I want it made clear that I am not a comic fan, so I can’t really compare this to the original story of Superman.  All I can base my knowledge off of is the Christopher Reeve (RIP) films, and the animated series from the 90’s.  

To start off:  The first ten minutes, I felt, were WAY too packed, as well as rushed.  Krypton is being destroyed internally due to the council wanting to control the planet’s core, General Zod appears and starts his take over, Jor-el and Lara are busy trying to send Kal away so he can be safe, and Zod is captured and put on trial and banished, and the planet dies.  In the middle of it all, Jor-el dives into the Genesis, which is, for lack of a better term, a giant pool where thousands of unborn babies are being kept in wombs, he takes a skull-looking thing to his home where Lara is waiting, they say their goodbyes to Kal as Jor-el puts the skull thing above Kal and they put him in the ship, just as Zod enters, and he and Jor-el fight, and when Lara sends the ship with Kal away, Zod stabs and kills Jor-el. 

See what I’m saying about it being too crammed?  It just seemed like the movie was throwing way too much at us.  Some scenes didn’t really convey the proper reactions, either.  When Zod stabs Jor-el, there wasn’t even so much as a grunt of pain from him.  His reaction seemed more like “Huh…. I’ve just been stabbed.” And he dies.  Lara doesn’t even cry out.  In fact, several moments pass between the time he falls to the ground and when she rushes to his side.

And when the Council sentenced Zod… Shannon, I felt was hamming it up a bit.  I will admit though, that could have just been a nod to Terence Stamp.  And when he and the soldiers who followed him were encased in ice (again, lack of better term) I was wondering if the actors weren’t trying to see who could make the goofiest face.

Another complaint I have is that the movie jumps around way to much between Clark Kent as an adult and him as a child growing up in Smallville.  Every single time he’s thinking of his adopted father, or a lesson he learned, there’s a flashback.  First example shows up right off the bat.  The ship that he was on crashes, and suddenly we’re on a boat in the middle of the ocean, and the crew is (I assume) crab fishing.  We see that Clark (going under a different name) is on this boat, and they eventually come to an oil rig that is on fire, and he saves the crew on the rig, and holds up a tower before it falls on the coast guard helicopter who’s there to rescue the crew.  We see him (unconscious?) in the water, and suddenly it cuts to Clark as a young school boy, when his powers were starting to develop.  Throughout the film, there are flashbacks, and after a while, it got kinda distracting.

Good stuff:  The cast…  I really loved Henry Cavill as Clark/Superman, and Amy Adams was a WONDERFUL Lois Lane.  I love that she actually figured out Clark was not of this world very early on, because unlike the other incarnations of the character, she actually did her job as a reporter and dug around, doing interviews.  

Both Russell Crowe and Kevin Costner, both of who rarely impress me, did in this movie.  Aside from the emotionless death scene, Crowe was good as Jor-el, and Costner was a really great Jonathan Kent.  I also liked that rather than having a heart attack, something that Clark COULDN’T stop, Jonathan died in a tornado, but silently told his son not to come for him and reveal his powers in front of the crowd of people who were huddled under the overpass.  Knowing that it was something he COULD have prevented added to the tragedy of the situation.  

I really liked Christopher Meloni as the Air Force Colonel, and I liked Harry Lennix as Army Lieutenant General Swanwick, too.  Antje Traue was a new face for me, but I really loved her as Faora-Ul.  Really, the only character that got on my nerves was the trucker, and that was only because the moment I saw him, I knew right away that he was gonna harass a waitress/cause trouble.  But he was only there for a few minutes, and walking out to find his truck with several trees jammed through it did make me smile.

So, despite its flaws, I really did enjoy this movie.  I actually liked it more than I did the Dark Knight films.  Granted, two out of three of those aren’t really high praise, but I liked it more than The Dark Knight too, simply because the only thing that film really has going for it when you get right down to it was Heath Ledger. (RIP).

But I will definitely look forward to the films that will follow this new franchise.  

Ciao!

My Thoughts on Star Trek Into Darkness

WARNING!! THERE WILL BE SPOILERS!  DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU’VE NOT YET SEEN THE MOVIE.

I SAY AGAIN, THERE ARE SPOILERS AHEAD.  

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Okay, so my town had one of the lucky selected theaters who got to see Star Trek Into Darkness on Thursday night.  I am not, by any means whatsoever, a Trekkie.  The only other Star Trek movie I’d seen before this was the Star Trek film released a few years back, also directed by J.J. Abrams, and starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, and Zoe Saldana.  I rather enjoyed it, because as a complete newbie into the franchise, it was easy to follow, had very good action, an amazing score, and I thought the characters were likeable.  I really liked that Leonard Nimoy was in it too, because obviously, despite not seeing any of the past series or films, I still knew who Mr. Spock was.

I wasn’t /too/ excited about this film though, simply because, again, not a Trekkie.  However, it was on the list of films that I wanted to see this year, and so when my friends invited me to go along with them and see it, I went with them.  

Now, I won’t go too into detail about the plot of the movie, because odds are if you're reading this, you've seen it.  So I’ll just talk about what I feel is obviously the biggest issue with the Trekkies I know. 

Benedict Cumberbatch as Khan.  My friends, though I think most of them saw it coming, groaned a little at the reveal, as did a good chunk of the theater.  I had to have it explained to me why this was a bad thing.  One friend wasn’t happy with “whitewashing” the cast a bit more so than they already had, and another friend explained that in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Khan’s character and motivation had already been set up in the series, which was pretty much Kirk leaving him on a dying planet.  (Obviously I do think there’s probably much more it to that, and any Trekkie reading this is more than welcome to go into further detail for me).  But had I grown up with it, I honestly can’t say I wouldn’t have been annoyed with it myself, but here’s what I have to say regarding the subject.  Please understand that this is just my own personal opinion, and I mean no offense or disrespect to anyone.

I thought Benedict Cumberbatch was awesome.  For a film that did not have a series to lead, I thought that in this movie, Khan still had a good backstory and a good reason to want revenge.  I also felt that he was genuinely threatening.  

Perhaps I’m wrong in thinking so, but I also knew beforehand what an iconic villain Khan is, not just in the Star Trek franchise, but in cinema in general.  Therefore, I can’t really blame J.J. Abrams for bringing the character into his reboot.  

But yeah, there’s my personal thoughts as a non-Trekkie.  I liked the movie, I’ll definitely buy it when it comes out, and I might even go see it again in theaters.

Ciao! <3

Wreck-It Ralph (SPOILERS!!)

Yesterday I saw Disney's new movie, Wreck-It Ralph, starring John C. Reilly, Sarah Silverman, Jack McBrayer, and Jane Lynch.  I was really looking forward to this movie, and it's not because I'm a gamer.  I'm not, at all.  There were a lot of actual game characters in this movie that I didn't recognize.  I of course know the classics, such as Q*BERT, Pacman, Sonic, Mario, and I do still very much enjoy playing Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask from the Zelda franchise.  But I'm not familiar with most games.  In fact, for a while, I thought the title character had an actual video game.

The reason for my excitement is simple.  I love Disney.  Not counting horrible sequels (I'm sure I'll get to another soon) I love Disney.  I have more Disney movies in my collection than any other genre, and there's a lot that I've seen so often that I can recite the film.  They have wonderful characters, a lot of the villains are actually threatening, many Disney songs have found their way to my iPod, and a few (a lot, actually) have made me cry.  When I was 18, I went to Disneyland for my birthday, and I got to meet Mickey for the first time.  It wasn't some guy in a Mickey costume, I got to meet Mickey.  I love Disney.  Are we clear?  Good.

Now, getting back to the movie.  I know of most of the actors in this movie, (Jane Lynch is my favorite, and her character, who we will get to soon, was my favorite), and though I wasn't too familiar with the writers, director Rich Moore also directed some early Simpsons episodes, a lot of which are among my favorites in the series.  Plus, Producer John Lasseter was also behind a lot of other great Disney flicks.  Point is, I knew the movie was gonna be good.

The basic plot follows Ralph, who is the villain in his game, Fix-It Felix.  The game, along with many others, is in an arcade, and when the arcade closes, the characters can leave their game and visit others.  Ralph is talking to a group of villains, and no, they aren't together to plot an evil dastardly scheme.  They're all just talking about their lives.  Ralph is tired of being the villain.  He wants to be a hero, and get a medal like Felix does.  We see that he lives a very lonely life in a dump, while everyone else in his game lives in fancy penthouses.  In fact, the people in the game are pretty damn cruel.  They're celebrating the anniversary with  Felix, and Ralph is left out.  He knocks on the door to the penthouse Felix lives in, and the hero (albeit awkwardly and a bit reluctantly) invites him in.  However, the townsfolk are not happy to have him, and this is made clear in no uncertain terms.  Angry, Ralph vows to everyone that he will win a medal and become a hero.  To do this, he goes into one of the arcade's newer games, Hero's Duty, dressed as one of the characters.

The object of the game is to help the player reach the top of the tower so they can get a medal, while destroying alien insects that are on the attack.  He meets Sergeant Calhoun, (Lynch) and while she's a typical "tough as nails yet is hiding a tragic back story" female, Lynch really delivers.  She has some really great one-liners.

"'Fear' is a four-letter word, ladies!  You wanna go pee pee in your big-boy slacks, keep it to yourself!"

"It's 'Make Your Mamas Proud' time!"

"Doomsday and Armageddon just had a baby, and it's ugly!"

As expected, the game is way more than Ralph can handle, and both he and one of the insects eventually find themselves in another game.  It's a candy filled racing game, and Ralph meets Vanellope, a spunky glitch who has her own dreams of how she wants to change how the other characters see her.  Because she is a glitch, she's not allowed to race, but she knows that she's a racer, and she really wants to.  She steals the medal Ralph did manage to get, and uses it as payment to enter herself into the upcoming race, which will decide who will appear as the game's avatar when the arcade opens again.  Ralph eventually starts helping her, but as this is happening, his own game is marked as "out of order" by the arcade owner when he's not there to wreck the building, so Felix has come to the candy game to find him and bring him back, so that the game will not be unplugged, leaving all the characters homeless in Central Station.

Additionally, Calhoun is with Felix, and her mission is to find the insect Ralph brought.  It turns out the insects don't realize they are characters in a game, and are more like viruses, that will destroy everything in their path.

While Felix is waiting outside for Vanellope, King Candy comes to see him.  Ralph isn't thrilled to see him, as he and his men tried capturing him before, but the king gives him back his medal as a peace offering.  He then explains to Ralph that the reason Vanellope can't race is because she's a glitch.  If people playing the game see her, they'll think the game is broken, and it will be unplugged.  But Vanellope won't be able to leave, and so if the game were to be unplugged, she would vanish and cease to exist. Ralph reluctantly agrees, and when the King leaves, what follows is actually a really heart-wrenching scene.  Vanellope has given Ralph a medal that she made to thank him for all his help.  It's actually a cookie, but thought and effort was put into decorating it.  But Ralph, thinking of her own safety, tries to convince her to back out of the race, and when he refuses, he smashes her car, all while Vanellope is sobbing and begging him to stop.

Just... God!  I think the Nostalgia Critic was right, Disney has more crying scenes than any other studio!

Well, as you can imagine, Ralph is feeling quite devastated himself, so he returns to his own game, only to find it out of order and set to be unplugged.  Sad and alone, again, Ralph looks out the screen to the arcade, and to his shock, sees Vanellope painted on the outside of her game.  Wanting answers, he returns and confronts the King's right hand jawbreaker character, and demands to know why Vanellope is a glitch if she clearly was meant to be in the game.  It turns out the king is responsible, but because he locked up everyone's memories, he doesn't know what he did, or why.  Ralph finds Felix, who was locked in the dungeon, and asks him to help him fix Vanellope's car. Felix agrees, and Ralph and Vanellope make up and get her to the race.  All Vanellope has to do is cross the finish line, and the game will reset, restoring everyone's memories of what's really supposed to be going on.

Unfortunately, the bugs have hatched, and are wreaking havoc as the race continues.  It also turns out that King Candy is Turbo, a rogue racer who got his own game and another unplugged because he couldn't stand that the newer game was taking attention away from his own.  He's handled quite quickly, though, and gobbled up by a bug.

Okay, when has Disney ever gotten rid of a villain that easily?  No, it turns out that because the bug ate him, his code merged with the bug's, and now he's a bit of a mantis looking thing, but still menacing.  Ralph, however, manages to create a beacon of light (in a really fun way) to distract all the other bugs, along with Turbo, and destroy them.

The danger has passed, and so Felix fixes the finish line, and Ralph pushes Vanellope in her car over.  The game is reset, and it turns out Vanellope is the rightful ruler, though she quickly discards her frilly princess dress and declares herself as the president rather than the princess, and Ralph is finally seen as a good guy by the townspeople in his game, despite being a villain.

This movie was really good, and I didn't even cover all of it.  There are a lot of wonderful scenes between Calhoun and Felix, a lot of great nostalgic feels, a few of which have nothing to do with video games, but still fit in with our childhood.

Some people, I find, don't realize that Disney can pull off this type of movie without Pixar, but to that I point out Bolt and Meet the Robinsons, which are also really wonderful movies that might not be the typical musicals, but still carry a lot of what makes Disney great.  Every range of emotion is still felt during this film. You laugh, you feel empathy for the characters, and you might even tear up a bit.  Wreck-It Ralph is a really good movie, one that I will definitely look forward to owning, and I might even go see it again.

Ciao!

The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea

It was over twenty years ago. I was five years old, and my grandmother was taking me to see my first movie at the theater, The Little Mermaid. I loved it then, and I love it now. The characters were unforgettable, the story was timeless, and the music was my introduction to the amazing team of Alan Menken and the late Howard Ashman. This movie is what apparently pulled the struggling company out of the deep end and helped it flourish. And why not? Despite the feminist grumblings of some, most of us cherish this Disney classic.

So when a sequel was announced, most of us were probably too young to fully grasp what a travesty this was, myself included. The Little Mermaid is one of my favorite Disney movies! It'll be so wonderful to see all those great characters again, especially when I'd heard that nearly all of the original cast was going to be back. I think the only two exceptions to that were Flounder (for obvious reasons) and Prince Eric. Actually, the voice actor for Eric now also some voice work in both Cinderella sequels, but considering the quality (or lack thereof) of both those movies, I wouldn't consider those bragging rights.

But I digress. I was looking forward to this movie. Ah, so young and naïve... A bit of that naivety died when I heard the plot line. Ariel's daughter, who dreams of a life in the sea.... Really, Disney? You're gonna go with the role-reversal route? Well, okay. We'll give it a shot.

Well that wasn't so bad. The beat was kinda fun, and it was definitely nice to hear Jodi Benson and Samuel Wright singing again. The animation isn't even that horrible, compared to other sequels.

So after Triton displays his support for gay pride – I mean, his joy at being a grandfather, he gives Melody a shell shaped locket with her name engraved on it.

The locket plays a melody (no pun intended) and an animation of mer-people swimming around Atlantica. But before he can slip it around her neck, a tentacle shoots out of the water and seizes baby Melody from Ariel's arms.

A half octopus half human emerges, cackling as she rides her two manta rays, and Sebastian exclaims “Ursula's crazy sister!”

.................

Really, movie? You're just gonna throw this character at us and expect us to accept that she's Ursula's crazy sister? We're really not going to get a better back story than that? Uh boy, we're in trouble.

Morgana: “I didn't miss the cake and ice cream, did I?”

*record scratches*

Wait just a cotton-pickin minute! Pat Carroll! Fancy hearing your voice again! I mean, wow. I know I said I was really enjoying the fact that the original actors were back, but... this is just a little too much. I mean, I know some siblings sound very similar, but this Ursula's voice actress!

Well, okay. Pat Carroll was after all, very epic as Ursula. Maybe she'll do the same for Morgana here. Let's see, shall we?

She calls to her shark Undertow, which I'm guessing is supposed to be a tiger shark. I really wish the animators could have done a better job with him. I mean, what do you think is more threatening?

This:

Or this:

Good lord, Flounder is actually in the shark's mouth! I'd never noticed that before!

Morgana holds Melody over Undertow's open jaws, demanding the trident. Of course, King Triton agrees to whatever she wants, as long as she doesn't hurt his granddaughter.

Morgana: “Well well, I get the trident, avenge poor, unfortunate Ursula, and gain all the powers of the ocean! And it's not even ten o'clock. Not a bad morning.”

You know, that line was almost funny. But the reference to Poor Unfortunate Souls kinda falls flat.

Before Triton hands over the trident however, Ariel seizes Eric's sword and cuts at one of the ship's ropes which sends one of the masts down, striking Morgana and sending both her and Melody flying. Undertow and Eric both leap for Melody, but a quick zap from King Triton shrinks Undertow down to the size of a harmless goldfish.

Morgana retreats into a ink cloud, her threatening words echoing after she vanishes. Triton tells his subjects that no one will rest until Morgana is found, and he accentuates this point by flashing lighting into the dark clouds.

Unfortunately, finding Morgana proves to be impossible. Ariel sadly tells her father, Flounder and Sebastian that until Morgana is found, neither Melody nor herself will go into the sea. She further states that Melody will not even know of her life and family in Atlantica. Yeah, because it worked out so well when Triton tried to keep you from the surface using pretty much the same tactics, didn't it, Ariel? Triton agrees and tells Sebastian to watch over her. He casts one final glance at his family before dropping the locket back into the ocean.

Flash-forward to twelve years later where we see that a giant stone wall has been built around the castle, blocking the sea. It's Melody's birthday, as the servants are preparing for the party, Ariel is searching through the castle for her daughter. As you may have guessed, she's not in the castle at all, but swimming in the ocean. As Sebastian searches for her, he grumbles about having to babysit another teenager. She's not a teenager, seeing as how Louis clearly stated she was twelve years old mere moments ago, but I might as well let that go now, because it's not the only time Melody will be referred to as a teenager. 

It was better when Ariel did it...

Sebastian finally catches up with Melody, who's been swimming and collecting sea shells. He chastises her for being in the ocean when she's not supposed to be beyond the sea wall. Melody has apparently heard this speech many a time before, as she takes over the speech herself.

She jumps back into the water, and finds the locket which is covered with mud from the sea. We suddenly cut to what I assume is the antarctic, where Morgana and her minions have been hiding. She trying to get Undertow back to his original size, but the power of the trident is too much for her. Undertow makes a comment about how Ursula could have done it, which leads to the revelation that Morgana's relationship with her wasn't exactly full of sisterly love, and her motivation for domination isn't so much avenging Ursula's death as it is succeeding at what she failed at. However, before their fight escalates, a viewing globe opens and shows that Melody has found the locket. They dance together as the music swells. I guess there was going to be a song here, but instead, we cut back to Melody, Sebastian, and Scuttle.

Melody wonders what her mother has against the ocean, but before we can get into that, Melody finally remembers that she's supposed to be getting ready for the party. She bumps into a group of kids about her age, and after she awkwardly excuses herself, she overhears them talking about her, saying she's weird, and talks to fish.

For Pete's sake, you're the bloody princess! I'm not saying you ought to be all “Off with their heads”, but you're royalty, you don't have to take that disrespect, so call them out on it!

Meanwhile, Ariel is outside in the courtyard with Max. She whispers softly to her father, saying she wishes that they were all together. She glances around to make sure no one is watching before stepping in the water.

I gotta say, I do love the look of content on Ariel's face here. You can really tell that she misses the ocean, and she knows that it's a part of herself.

Melody calls to her from her window, her hair up in a towel and wearing a pink dress. You know, I'm starting to notice a lot of similarities between this movie and the original. The opening shot to both movies showed a seagull flying above the clouds, similar dresses with Melody and Ariel, and both girls realized they were late for a very important date due to someone else making an offhand comment. Heck, even Morgana just said that Melody would be the key to Triton's undoing, while also having the same goal as Ursula. Now, I know Disney is known for little shout-outs to past films like this, but most movies, it's subtle. Like for instance, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, you can see Belle walking through town reading a book while Quasimodo sings 'Out There'. Subsequently, you can also see a figurine of the Beast in Aladdin as the Sultan is stacking his toys. But with Return to the Sea, it's like they're smacking us in the face with these references. Subtlety is better, Disney. Let's work on it.

Anyway, Ariel calls up to Melody, saying she'll be right up. For some reason, this sends Melody and Sebastian into a panic, as she scurries around her room to get some shoes on, put a sash around her dress (tangling Sebastian into her bow in the process) and take her hair down and put a tiara on and declare that she's ready just as Ariel walked in. Here's my question: Ariel clearly saw her daughter not quite ready, I mean, she had a towel on for goodness sake. So why did Melody scramble to get ready? Ariel didn't seem upset that Melody wasn't ready when she saw her, so, what's the big deal?

Oh, and see if you can tell what's wrong with these two shots:

Can you say continuity error? I knew you could.

Ariel helps Melody with her hair after telling Eric that they'll be down to join the party in a few minutes. They talk about growing pains for a bit, and it looks like Melody is about to tell Ariel how much she loves the ocean, when Eric interrupts again. Ariel tells Melody that they'll talk after the party, and that she's going to have a wonderful time. Way to jinx it, Ariel.

Of course this means that it's going to be a disaster. Sebastian is still tangled up in Melody's sash (though how no one saw this is beyond me) and a handsome boy asks Melody to dance.

 

They don't even make it through the first song when Sebastian decides to pinch the boys finger, causing him to throw his hand up and stumble back. Sebastian sails into the air only to crash into Melody's cake that Louis has just wheeled out. The boy crashes into the punch bowl, and is shocked to see that Melody is asking Sebastian if he's alright. The kids from earlier loudly point this out, and everyone starts laughing. Louis sees Sebastian, and the two old enemies have another chase scene,  because... um... it was fun and entertaining in the last movie...?  Okay, it isn't terrible, but again, the movie has already made several references to the original.  It's getting old. 

Melody is obviously horribly embarrassed and runs to her room, and is sobbing as she reaches for her bag full of the seashells and the locket. She picks up the locket, that oddly enough, is still covered in mud, so she hasn't seen her name yet. Why didn't she clean it off when she first found it? I mean, she was sitting there studying it pretty intently at that point, so... I don't get it.

Ariel hesitantly enters, trying to console Melody, but before she can do that, Melody finally brushes the mud from the locket and sees her name engraved on it. She opens it, and the music plays along with the animation. Ariel demands to know where she got it, and Melody admits that she went under the wall into the ocean. Ariel is angry that Melody disobeyed her, and says the sea is dangerous. Melody asks “How would you know? You've never even been in it!” as she snatches her locket back and runs out of the room crying. Eric comes in and tells Ariel that they both knew this would happen eventually, and Ariel agrees that it's time to tell Melody the truth.

So Melody runs away from home, only to meet up with Undertow and the rays, who tell her Morgana call tell her all about the locket. Like a freaking moron, Melody agrees to go with them. She meets up with Morgana, who (big shock) does in fact, turn her into a mermaid, using a bottle of Ursula's magic. How do I know it's Ursula's magic?

Because it has her face on it, and because Undertow says it's her magic. Yes folks, much like the movie expected us to accept that Ursula has a crazy sister, we're expected to believe that said crazy sister kept a bottle of her magic.

We see that Ariel and Eric have begun a search on the surface, and Triton has every sea creature searching under the water. Eric suggests that Ariel join the search underwater, but I really don't understand why. They have no possible way of knowing Melody's been turned into a mermaid, so why is anyone searching for Melody underwater? I guess it's because they wanna keep tabs on Morgana, but they still don't even know where she's hiding. But, whatever the reason, Ariel agrees with Eric, and so Triton turns her back into a mermaid. She eventually reunites with Flounder too, who has heard of Melody's disappearance, and promises Ariel that he'll do all he can to help her.

So we join up with Melody again, who's ecstatic about her new fins. In fact, she's so happy, that she starts to sing the second song in the movie. This one is... eh. Jodi Benson sings, and her part is good, but Melody's... well, the lyrics are weird.

Okay, get a grip, get a hang of this flipper,
it's like slipping two feet into one big huge slipper.
This way is left, but which way is right?
Well now I'll be circling in circles all night
Oh so this is forward, no problem.

Okay, just because you're now a mermaid doesn't mean something as simple as directions change. Right is still right, left is left, and forward is freaking forward.

During the song, we join Ariel as she's in her secret grotto. As she sings about wishing that she'd opened up to Melody about the sea, she looks over all of her treasures from the human world that she'd collected from years before-

*record scratches*

Wait, WHAT?!?!

Something's not right here... I seem to remember a scene... a rather intense and almost frightening scene from the first movie...

THIS. IS. BULLSHIT! This is totally unacceptable, Disney! I demand to know who the hell is responsible for this! Who in their right mind saw this and said it was okay? Did you even see the first movie?! How do you forget something like that? Triton destroyed everything! Everything was blown into smithereens! So how is all of her stuff there? How do you allow such a giant inconsistency in one of the most beloved Disney classics of all time?! I want an answer!

Really? You're not gonna give me one? You're just gonna expect me to accept this and go with it?

Dory: “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

Okay, fine. Whatever. The movie will be over faster that way.

Oh, and here's a video of the song:

So after that.... ugh.... Melody returns to Morgana and thanks her. Morgana makes up a story about how her magic trident which would have the power to make Melody a mermaid forever was stolen by “a madman”, and the potion alone isn't enough to keep her a mermaid forever. She tricks Melody into agreeing to go to Atlantica and steal it for her, and eventually, she comes across the comic relief duo of the movie.

These guys are Tip and Dash, the self proclaimed adventurers/explorers. However, as they are the comic relief, they're a pair of bumbling idiots, and much more annoying then they are funny. Okay, I guess they're not terrible characters, I mean, there have been others who I've hated much more than these two.

They try to rescue a baby penguin that's trapped on a small iceberg, but when they see said iceberg is being circled by a hammerhead shark (cause you know, those sharks are native to the freezing waters of the south pole) they both panic and try to run away, and through what can only be described as a cluster of events, the baby is ultimately rescued, though the other penguins are not impressed with the fact that they tried to abandon the baby and nearly got the rest of them killed. As they dejectedly walk off, they meet Melody, who asks them if they know how to get to Atlantica. Happy at the chance to help a damsel in distress, they join Melody with another song.

These songs are definitely dropping down in quality, but thankfully, there's only one to go after this one.

So they've made their way to Atlantica, and sneak into the throne room. Melody sees King Triton, noting that he looks sad. This sad look doesn't last long, as Triton demands to know why they're wasting time preparing food when they should be searching. I wonder if anyone has ever approached him and suggested anger management classes, or the fact that he's a tad bit unreasonable. I mean, forget the fact that his subjects probably need the basics, such as sleep and food, so that they can better search the oceans...

Melody hides in a plant as Tip and Dash cower under a table. This causes the table to shake as it gets Triton's attention. But before he can lift the table to see what's causing a normally inanimate object to move, he's informed that his daughter has returned, and I guess he just forgets about the fact that moments ago, he was pretty certain that something was likely hiding under the table.

Melody seizes her chance and grabs the trident, but loses her locket in the process. Tip and Dash hurry her out of the throne room, as Triton and Ariel are coming back. Flounder tries to cheer Ariel up, but she realizes the trident is missing. Sebastian states that no one can remove it from the pedestal except Triton himself, or his relatives. Ariel sees Melody's locket, and wonders how it got there. Before she can consider that any further, she sees Morgana's manta rays, who have been following Melody, and recognizing them, she in turn, follows them to Morgana's lair. She tells Flounder to go back and tell her father where she is, but he doesn't want to leave her to face Morgana and her minions alone. Scuttle happens by, and Ariel decides that he can go and tell the others where to find them.

Melody, Tip, and Dash make their way to the ice caverns, but the dynamically cowardly duo flee when they see a shark fin, which obviously turns out to be Undertow. He leads her back to Morgana, and Ariel swims up just as Melody's about to hand the trident over to Morgana. Both are shocked to see each other as mermaids, and feeling betrayed, Melody moves away from Ariel and hands the trident to Morgana, who, much to Melody's shock, laughs evilly and wraps Ariel in her tentacles, revealing her mother had only been trying to protect Melody from herself, and that she had stolen the trident from her own grandfather. Morgana traps Melody and Flounder in a cave, using the trident to create a thick wall of ice, just after saying her time as a mermaid was almost over. So wait a minute, she's just gonna leave her there to drown? That's... really dark.

Tip and Dash are outside deciding whether or not they should live a long life as cowards, or a minute as heroes. They notice the zapping from the trident, and know that Melody is in danger, and make their decision.

Morgana uses the trident to create a castle of ice just as Scuttle arrives, having found both Eric and Triton. She zaps an iceberg, causing it to fall on Eric's ship as he, Max, and the crew barely escape.

Yeah, maybe bringing your dog along wasn't such a hot idea, Eric.

Triton: Release my daughter! Surrender my granddaughter! And I shall spare you!
Morgana: Oooooh, whatcha gonna do? Throw the crab at me?

Okay, that one got a chuckle out of me.

Morgana restores Undertow to his original size as Eric demands to know where Melody is. Morgana says seeing her can be arranged as the rays wrap their tails around his legs, dragging him under. Sebastian dives in after him, and as Scuttle attacks Morgana, Ariel is able to escape and swims after Eric as well. She grabs his arm as Sebastian pinches the ray's tails, and brings him back to shore, and Sebastian, deciding he'd rather not get crushed into a rock, ties their tails together, wrapping them up.

Tip and Dash enter the caves only to be greeted by Undertow. Dash tackles Undertow and tells him to find Melody, but can't really hold him back. Meanwhile, Melody has turned back into a human, and is on the verge of drowning, but through another cluster of events, Undertow, trying to get Tip, crashes through the ice wall.

He's down for the count, but Melody's friends get her to the surface, where Morgana is forcing all the sea creatures to bow to her, including Triton. As she's gloating, this gives Melody time to climb the ice tower and take the trident from her.

Okay, this belongs on EpicFail.com....

Melody however does manage to stab Morgana's tentacle and throw it back to Triton. Morgana shoves her off the tower as Dash breaks her fall.

Triton seizes his trident, and I must say, props to Kenneth Mars for the delivery of this line:

Triton: Never again will you or yours threaten my family! There will be no escape for you! Ever!

He freezes Morgana in an ice block, and the sea witch is gone forever as the castle crumbles. Melody regains consciousness as she makes up with Ariel and Eric, who tell her they love her for who she is on the inside, whether she's a mermaid or a human.

Triton offers Melody a choice to either come and live with him in Atlantica, or return to her life on land. Melody decides that rather than choose between worlds, the wall around the castle will go, so that they call all be together, and the the movie ends with one final song.

And as the credits roll, we hear the classic song, Part of Your World as sung by.... That doesn't sound like Jodi Benson....

No, it's Chely Wright. For those of you unfamiliar with the name, she's a country artist. Now, I love country music, it's my favorite genre. But this annoys me. How are you going to have a sequel to The Little Mermaid, have Jodi Benson in it, but not have her sing her character's signature song? It's not like she couldn't have done it, she proved that she can still sing, and that she still sounds like Ariel after nearly fifteen years.

This movie was... eh. It's not the worst sequel Disney has ever produced, but it's definitely not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination. I think my one of my biggest problems is it's so hard to like Melody. She strikes me as a brat. For instance, let's take a look at the fight between Ariel and Melody that was the fuel for her decision to leave home and seek the help of a sea witch.

I know that it was similar to what happened with Ariel and Triton, but I feel that Ariel was more justified in going to Ursula. I'm not saying it was a good decision, but I'll break down my way of thinking in this, starting with the main problem, keeping the child away from the world they want to explore.

I refuse to accept Ariel's Beginning as canon, so I'm going to ignore that entire plot line. Triton's fear of the surface world and humans always struck me as irrational. Sure, they eat fish, but I still never thought it to be a good reason for such prejudice, and let's face it, when it came to humans, Triton was very prejudice against them. He had no real reason, no basis to keep Ariel away from the surface. Ariel on the other hand, had reason to keep Melody away from the ocean, because Melody was in danger from Morgana. Now, granted most people would say that for all the times Melody had clearly been swimming in the ocean, Morgana never did anything about it, but it was clear that she was watching her, and waiting for the right moment. And lo and behold, the right moment eventually came, and Melody has put her life at risk and abandoned her family for no real good reason.

Ariel at least had more justification for going to Ursula. Her father had literally destroyed everything she'd collected from the surface, to include the statue of Eric. She was devastated and heartbroken, and let's face it, when you're feeling that way, you don't always think clearly. Melody was upset, yes, but there was no loss of tempers here, the fight wasn't over falling in love with someone outside of your own species, and no fear of seeing someone so blind with rage that they're destroying nearly everything in sight. Both girls were selfish in what they did, but with Melody, it's more simply more akin to a spoiled brat that didn't get their way.

Morgana wasn't very threatening either. Granted, she at least had a decent goal, unlike...

Yeah, we're not gonna talk about him...

I just don't understand why Morgana had this obsession with beating Ursula, and showing her mother that she was just as good as her. We know for a fact Ursula is dead, and judging by the way Morgana refers to her mother, she's dead as well. So why was she constantly trying to prove herself when she had no one to prove herself to?

And of course...

God, I still can't believe they did that. I mean, what's next, are they going to blatantly ignore the fact that Ariel and Flounder were childhood friends, and have the characters meet each other in another crappy direct-to-dvd movie that is said to take place one year before the original film?

.........................

*1/2 out of *****

The Hunchback of Notre Dame II

Remember The Hunchback of Notre Dame? I do too. In my opinion, it's well deserving of a spot in a Top 5 Disney films of the Renaissance. I don't remember it getting quite as much publicity as say, The Little Mermaid or Beauty and the Beast, but it's still a fantastic movie. Though it was the typical Disney watered down version of the original story by Victor Hugo, the music was very good, and most of the characters were three dimensional, especially the surprisingly dark and sinister Frollo.  Hellfire continues to give me chills, even to this day. Of course, you can't go wrong with the late great Tony Jay, who gave us plenty of other chilling villains, such as Monsieur D'Arque from Beauty and the Beast, as well as Shere Khan in the sequel to The Jungle Book.  He was a very respectable choice to follow George Sanders, even if it was a very lousy sequel.

But as bad as The Jungle Book 2 was, it's nothing compared to the movie I am reviewing today, The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2.  This movie is awful, lousy, and just plain bad. There's absolutely no saving grace to it at all. The animation is second rate, the characters might as well be polar opposites of themselves, and there isn't a single song that holds a candle to the previous film's songs. In fact, the worst song in the original Hunchback (said song being, in my personal opinion, A Guy Like You) is still a thousand times better than any of the songs in this movie.

So, let's dive in and see why the people behind this abomination should have gone to see a priest for a much needed confession.

I must once again bring up the original film and ask you all to remember how that movie started. We opened with a choir singing softly with bells chiming as the first few credits appeared on a black screen, and with the first shot of Notre Dame standing tall, the choir burst into a powerful vocalization. Chilling, yes? Well, in this film, we still get a few bells, though it sounds less like bells you'd hear from a cathedral, and more like a standard door bell. My other problem with this opening is it takes a full twenty seconds of focusing on a couple of pigeons and a few random townspeople before we get a look at Notre Dame. I guess this was supposed to build anticipation, but it fails miserably. And the shot of Notre Dame's exterior lasted less than ten seconds. More time is instead focused on a particular bell inside the tower, and it is here where we get our title.

Wow. So pretty. And so implausible. Wouldn't the vibrations of a bell that size shatter the jewels? Well, whether that is true or not, you should forget it anyway, because this bell will soon serve as the movie's plot device.

Apparently the town is about to celebrate Le Jour D'Amour. I'm gonna let Clopin and Quasi explain it to you.

See what I mean about the animation? I mean, here's Quasi and Clopin in the first movie:

 

And here they are now.

And as you just saw, Esmeralda and Phoebus aren't in much better shape themselves.

Good God, they couldn't even get Esmeralda's eye color right! Her eyes are supposed to be green! And why is she suddenly so pale? Oh, and to make it better, she wears shoes in this movie. I can't really give a reason as to why that bothers me so much, it just does.

So after the song is over, and we see Quasi mope a little bit, we get a short scene with the gargoyle trio.

No, not them.

These guys.

They served as the comic relief in the first movie, and they do in this film too. Except this film, they're less funny and more annoying. Fine, I'll deal with it. They're not the characters I'll be complaining about the most anyway.

Quasi tells the gargoyles to stop bickering and help him polish La Fidele. But before he can get to work on that, he's interrupted by this kid.

 

This is Zephyr, the son of Esmeralda and Phoebus. He's voiced by Haley Joel Osment, who despite his age at the time, gave some really great performances. This isn't one of them. This kid is an insufferable brat, but unfortunately, he's Quasi's best friend, so we're stuck with him. Great.

His parents aren't far behind, and talk soon turns to the upcoming festival. Apparently, you're supposed to shout out the name of your soul mate, proclaiming loudly for all the town to hear how much you love that person. Zephyr is curious as to who's name Quasi will shout out, and who will be calling out his name. Woah, back up... This kid is supposed to be Quasi's best friend, right? So why does he not know that he doesn't have a girlfriend? What a clueless little brat. Didn't his parents teach him tact?

Esmeralda tries to cheer Quasi up by telling him something about looking deeper than what you first see. I guess this is a nice message, but coming from someone who rejected his love for the handsome captain, it doesn't really work well for me.

So joining the festivities is a traveling circus, known as the Cirque De Sarousch.

Sarousch wows the crowd with fancy tricks, but is angered when his assistant doesn't appear like she was supposed to. After recovering from this embarrassment by announcing to the crowd that if they wish to see her, they'll have to go to the circus, Sarousch vanishes from the crowd's sight and then demands to know where his assistant is.

This charming young woman is known as Mary Sue- I mean, Madellaine.  She's busy practicing a high wire act, from a daring height of...

Three feet?  Give or take an inch?  How breathtaking.

Sarousch appears, startling her as she falls off the rope, and here is where he is shown as the film's villain, as he explains to her his dastardly plot. He wants to steal La Fidele and become rich, and travel the world in style!

….......................

Really? This is our villain's evil goal? To steal a bell?

 Frollo: My eternal torment is not burning in circles of fire, but the knowledge that this douche-bag known as Sarousch is my replacement as the villain.

Seriously, this is really disappointing. I mean, I know this film wasn't shaping up to be anywhere near as good as the first movie, but this is our follow up to Judge Claude Frollo?! Good God, what could they have been thinking?! This would be like after overcoming a villain like Maleficent, Aurora would have to deal with a bratty, prissy, self-obsessed duchess who's only goal is to win the beauty pageant! 

Maleficent: "Oh, perish the thought!"

So Madellaine obeys her master and goes to the tower, where Quasi hides from her view underneath on of the bells. Madellaine mentions that it looks like he's wearing a big hat, which leads to several puns, none of which are funny.

Quasimodo comes down closer to Madellaine, though being careful to remain hidden in the shadows. Madellaine asks him to come out where she can see him, but he's a little hesitant. Rather than, I don't know, talking to him a bit more, and making him feel more comfortable with the thought of revealing himself, Madellaine moves back a conveniently placed fabric, exposing Quasimodo. As expected, she's horrified at the sight of him, and runs away, leaving Quasi alone to wonder if anyone could ever love him, as well as sing the second song in the movie. 

Tom Hulce does have a passionate voice when he sings. Too bad this song is just as forgettable as the first one.

The gargoyles encourage him to go to the circus to meet Madellaine. At this point, I'm just recalling how well it worked out for Quasi the last time he took their advice.

 Yeah, that was a bad day.

Quasi agrees to go to the circus however, and so after changing into.... this....

Wow... no words...

Quasi goes to meet Esmeralda, Phoebus, Zephyr, and Djali, and they all go off to the circus together. Zephyr is excited, but Phoebus warns him not to wander off. He's a little concerned about the Carni folk.

Phoebus: I don't trust these people.
Esmeralda: What does that mean?
Phoebus: Well, just look at them. I mean, they travel from town to town, like...
Esmeralda: Gypsies?
Phoebus: Yes! No!

Wow, when did Phoebus turn into such a judgmental jerk? While we're on that subject, when did Esmeralda become so passive? I mean, all she does here is glare at Phoebus! What happened to the Esmeralda who stood up to Frollo, demanding justice for her people? What happened to the Esmeralda who attached Phoebus with an iron candelabra? Not that I'm advocating spouse abuse here, but I just don't see why she backed down so easily.

So Sarousch verbally abuses Madellaine some more as she's reluctant to go through with this plan. Apparently, she tried to steal a few coins from him when she was six because she was hungry, and this is what's lead to her being in his service. Sarousch is also apparently balding, and has a bit of a belly, though his silent minion is busy hiding this fact away.

God, I still can't get over the fact that this is who we get after Frollo. It's just painful. He's also really high on himself, as the pictures and statues of himself suggest, and how he vainly proclaims in front of a mirror that he'd kiss himself if not for the fact that he'd fall in love. Snow White's Wicked Queen wasn't this vain, I mean, look at him!

So Sarousch the douche and Madellaine make an elephant vanish into thin air, members of the carnival are busy robbing the townspeople, as no one seems to notice when ear rings are suddenly plucked off, necklaces yanked, and coin purses suddenly much lighter.

Quasi is more focused on Madellaine than the elephant, which Zephyr notices, and worries that he might be forgotten by his friend. Quasi tells him that he doesn't have to worry about a thing, which leads to the third song, and probably the worst.  Seriously, the moment it starts til the moment it ends, I was cringing.  I advise you all to check your ears and make sure they aren't bleeding.

The townspeople finally realize they've all been robbed blind, and they demand justice from Phoebus. He assures the people that he will find the thieves, and begins to suspect the Carni folk. Now granted, he's right, but again, I must point out that he's a bigoted jerk. Achilles seems to think so too, as he clicks his hoof against the ground in answer to Phoebus's question of how often he's been wrong. Phoebus informs his horse it was a rhetorical question, and they press on.

So apparently having a change of heart, Madellaine has now fallen in love with Quasimodo, and he takes her out on a tour of Paris. Here's song number four.

 Why couldn't they have gotten Alan Menken back? They used all the original voice actors! On the other hand, I'm glad Alan Menken wasn't tied to this film. I wouldn't want his name on a film this bad.

Quasi takes Madellaine to Notre Dame to wait out a storm. Here she finally finds La Fidele, and as she's admiring her odd reflections in one of the jewels, she sees the face of Sarouch.

Is it me, or does she look like Julia Roberts here? 

Now she kinda looks like Angelina Jolie.

GAH!

Quasi misinterprets her shudder as being chilly from the cold, and has her sit down by a fire.

They share a sentimental moment where they both assure each other that they're meant for more, that they've never met anyone like the other, blah blah blah. Here's where more of Madellaine's Mary-Sueism shows. Someone who doesn't think she's very pretty, even though the main character thinks she's beautiful.

Quasimodo gives her the figurine he made of her earlier so she can see herself through his eyes. Madellaine leaves, but not before giving him a kiss on the forehead, and as the Gargoyles look on, Quasi falls to the ground in a happy daze.

He goes to Esmeralda the next morning. She recognizes what anyone could – Quasi's in love. She encourages him to tell Madellaine how he feels, but before he can, Phoebus bursts in and announces that the circus is behind the robberies. Esmeralda is angry that he's once more lumping people together by their stereotypes, and Quasi vehemently defends Madellaine. Phoebus apparently is digging himself deeper with an even bigger shovel as he tells Quasi to look at the facts. Quasimodo storms out, followed by Esmeralda, Zephyr, and Djali. Phoebus complains to Achilles that everyone is angry at him, and asks how often that happens. Achilles once again clicks his hoof against the ground, and Phoebus once again says the question was rhetorical. This horse seems to be a bit of a smart alec... I kinda like that.

Madellaine tells Sarousch that she's not going to help him anymore. Sarousch tells her that if she values Quasimodo's life, she'll lead him away from Notre Dame while he and his men go to steal the bell. Madellaine agrees. Phoebus goes to question Sarousch, who 'tearfully' tells him that Madellaine is responsible for the robberies, and Phoebus believes him. Dude, you're the captain of the guard! How the heck did you even get that job, you're a freakin' moron! Anyone can tell that this guy is lying!

So the next scene happens pretty much as you're guessing. Sarousch steals the bell, Madellaine tries to tell Quasimodo the truth, but upon realizing that she'd led him away from the cathedral, Quasimodo is angry and refuses to listen to her as Phoebus orders his men to arrest her. Zephyr, upon realizing that Sarousch is a thief, follows him.

Phoebus orders the city sealed off, which to me, is a little bit of an overkill for a bell. Madellaine tries to tell Phoebus that Sarousch is in the catacombs, but as predicted, he doesn't believe her. Esmeralda tells him to think about the fact that Zephyr's life is in danger, and to try looking at Madellaine again the way he did with her. Phoebus agrees, but on the condition that Madellaine is going as a prisoner.

Sure enough, Sarousch is below, gloating over his victory. Having found Zephyr stowing away on the small boat, he uses him as leverage to get past Phoebus, forcing the captain to raise the gate if he wants to see his kid again. Zephyr screams 'Mama, Papa' repeatedly, to the point where I was wincing.

Madellaine convinces Quasimodo to trust her, and in another cliché of Mary Sueism, Madellaine overcomes her fears as she walks a rope and swings down to grab Zephyr from Sarouch's clutches.

So we get our happy ending. Sarousch is arrested, Zephyr is safe again with his Mama and Papa, and La Fidele is returned just in time for the festival. Quasi rings the bell as the happy couples loudly and (obnoxiously) declare their love for each other. Phoebus admits he was wrong, he and Esmeralda also shout out their love for each other, and then.... 

No...

Oh please, no...

GOD, THEY EVEN RUINED THE HORSE!!

Achilles was the only character I liked in this movie and they had to go do something stupid like that?!

Well anyway, suddenly the bell stops ringing. The crowd looks up, and apparently are able to see what's going on on the roof between the two towers high above their heads, because they all smile happily.

Madellaine has joined Quasimodo, and after they say more sentimental crap about looking deeper within the other person, they kiss, and as Zephyr begins to ring the bell as they (also loudly and obnoxiously) shout out that they love each other. The movie ends with a shot of the Quasi and Madellaine figurines in the town model.

 Remember how Djali ate the figurines in the first movie? Let's have a repeat of that gag, shall we?

This movie sucked. I guess it was an answer to the complaint in the first movie that Quasi didn't get a girl, but it sucked. The villain was lame, the characters were about as interesting as cardboard, the songs were awful, the animation was lazy and thrown together, and frankly looked more like something you'd find in a child's coloring book. It's easily the worst Disney sequel ever made, and when you look at something like Cinderella 2 or Bambi 2, that's really saying something. So how many stars am I giving this movie? I'll tell you. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Nothing good comes out of this movie at all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch the original movie.

 

Frollo:  “This is an unholy demon. I'm sending it back to hell were it belongs.”

Go for it, Frollo. The Archdeacon ain't gonna stop you this time.